i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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