You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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