We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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