Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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