I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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