I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
