Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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