I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes