The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention