dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
