the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
