I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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