So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
