Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
