I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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