Are we in a gay sports bar?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
