Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
