I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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