You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
