I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
