well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Text me some of your sweat
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
