So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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