Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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