when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
