I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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