Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
