remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
