just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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