as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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