There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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