i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
