Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Randomize
