so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize