Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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