you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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