Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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