took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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