Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
