Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
