I need help removing her.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
