You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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