I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
