Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
