can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
