i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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