It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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