i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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