this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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