lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
