I puked a lego.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
