Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
