So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize