dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
