his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
