so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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