I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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