I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
