I accidentally had phone sex last night
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
