My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
